Wednesday, March 14, 2012

So Sorry For the Absence!

It's great to be back, I must apologize for the absence. It's ALL my fault, I had a severe case of the drunken fuck-its. It was murder! Please, forgive. And if you don't, my liver already kicked my ass, so there's your sadistic wish come true. My gift to you. 

Much love to my woman Jen, much condolences to Becky. Please, keep her in your prayers. Much respect for all my friends/followers/favoriters/retweeters. Thank you so much, you make a brotha feel good!!!!

Newt, your 15 minutes are up, you megalomaniac blowhard! Take your history-spouting ass somewhere and sit it down! And take that hooked-nosed, hair helmet of a woman you call a trophy wife with you! The one man in this whole race that could speak "Cracker" better than anyone you can think of - and looks like he's had one too many bowl of grits - got his ass handed to him by his OWN!! I guess what my uncle is true, nobody hates like family. There's no real reason that he shouldn't have won the South. Yes, Newt is a one-trick pony that has very little message, but an expansive bullshit launcher of a mouth. Yes, his message hasn't gotten him anywhere (which makes wonder what South Carolina was smoking in THEIR primary). But the South? Newt?! Shit, that's their homey, homey! 

You knew Romney was gonna lock up Hawaii, and ONLY Hawaii. There was no prayer for him down South whatsoever. If you think there could've been I beg you to please, read your history books about the carpetbagger. The Northerner all shiny and pretty in his fancy doodads, with his fancy talk and charm, with all that fancy money. Going down to hustle the supposedly dumb, poor, barefoot Southerner, trying to turn his Confederate money into home spun gold or some shit. Fast forward to 2012 and Mitt Romney. He, with his 1975 game show hair and voice, with all his money, though he could shuck and jive his way down south...with his fancy talk, his big fancy money, his folksy charm. And the South to him, in not so many words, to go fuck himself. That's warms my heart a little, kinda brings out the 4th generation hillbilly in me. 

But, I must say - and here is where I might have a little bit of explaining to do later on with the female community - I'm pissed as shit at the working women of Alabama and Mississippi. They THREW themselves at Santorum... the one guy that WOULD have women throw away their values and their conscience and their INTERESTS in the name of some kind of religious morality that isn't even theirs!!!! Another carpetbagger from Pennsylvania with his SUPPOSED values and his whacked out views. He shucked...he jived... he spoke HIS faith beliefs like he was the Pope himself. And the Southern baptist women said "that's our man!". It won't happen, but just in case, gentile ladies of the South, you better pray that that you or your daughter...your niece...doesn't come into a situation where contraception or pregnancy will be an issue in the country of Rick Santorum. Besides, he doesn't like you. He likes men (yeah, I said it, bring it).

Bobbi Krstina and Oprah. Good heavens! Bobbi, fuck the interviews, girl!!! You was doing drugs with your mama in the club, god rest her soul! You gotta daddy that itching to get his hands on your money!!! GET HELP & GET SECURITY!!! Up with hope, down with dope :)

Congrats to MS Valley St. for totally giving that play-in game away last night. That's some disappointment I could've done without. Please, remember to get those brackets finalized guys. Go UNC!

GCB? Great new show on ABC. Tells the truth (you know what I'm talking about).

Goldman Sachs exec tells the truth about his former company. It is SCATHING. There's no formal statement you can make to cover THAT shit up. AWESOME.

Dawn, I have not forgotten about you... Shit, I think I'm done for now. Gonna watch some tube and rub one  out looking at slugs fuck on the beach. Or kickchop a koala, whichever relaxes me more. FORWARD.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Kisses His Sister, Wants To Be President...WTF?!

First off, lemme just say we should all give a big round of applause to the late, great Davy Jones for making this world a better place. RIP Davy, you will still always get the girl.

Snooki pregnant... I was having really high hopes and good feelings about the future of motherhood and our children. And now... I just don't know, son, I just don't know {smh}.

Much love to my Twitterwifey Jen, as usual. Shoutout to all the new friends I've made so far this week. You guys are totally awesome.

Well, there it was, folks. For all the world to see. The primaries of Michigan and Arizona were supposed to separate the men from the boys before Super Tuesday & it turned out just to be more of the same. Romney ended up absolutely killing Santorum in AZ. but MI should've been something altogether different. We been hearing the day after that Romney got just the victory he needed, but there was nothing to he could to step away from the fray, winning MI by only 3 points. HIS HOME FUCKIN STATE BY 3 FUCKIN POINTS. What does THAT tell ya about yer friends and neighbors?! That's not even the depressing part. He royally "kissed his sister" in the MI delegate count. You can't even win in the delegate count of the state where your rich-ass daddy was the governor?! Come on, Mitt. You got serious issues.

I just made my first pancakes the other day & must say I was very pleased how they turned out. But i did learn one thing, which I shared with you guys in Twitter the other day: NEVER EVER USE BISQUICK, BISQUICK IS EVIL. And for the record, I must amend that statement that I made. If you use Bisquick instead of Aunt Jemimah, not onoy do you suck dick for coke, you suck dick for crack & pills as well. Happy cooking!!

I just heard that Andrew Breitbart had passed, he was 43. I agreed with very little - in fact NOTHING - that he ever said. But despite the bombastics, he was a fighter to the very end & he did believe in what he was saying. Well played, sir. At least, we know tha heaven is gonna get the shake up it's been looking for.

Well, that's my time for today. There IS this thing in this religious camp that I think I'm gonna work on for next time, so I'll see ya later. FORWARD.

Monday, February 27, 2012

So Glad Spring Is On The Way

Yes, friends, Spring has finally begin to spring, I can just smell it in the air!!! More intoxicating that Everclear at a Nickleback (fuck no, I don't like Nickleback, it would just take a shitload of Everclear to help me get through a night with them). I got the fantasy teams all picked out & the lineups are pretty much set. Check your local listings, first spring training games are this weekend! WOOHOO!

Last night's Oscars? Damn good! Billy is THE professional in the truest sense of the word, beating the living SHIT outta last year's presenters. And yes, for the first time in a long, long time, almost every actor/movie that I thought deserved an Oscar GOT ONE. Rest assured, a baseball movie will win an Oscar again one day, Moneyball is not my last hope. I feel pretty confident about that. The Muppet movie even won one, what's not to love, right ?!

I been looking with a goddamn microscope at the JLo "wardrobe malfunction" (just like every other red-blooded, American male, don't tell me that I'm the only one in the world that loves me some TITTAYS!!!). And upon further review: although quite revealing, no real from of anything nipple-like/in the nipple region can be seen. I call inconclusive evidence to reverse the call. The dress was stunning & when you say "wardrobe malfunction", you can best believe that JLo is the one that I want to have it. Will whip out the microscope anytime for her.

Angelina!!!   LEG!!! GODDAMN!!!  'Nuff said. That shall be MY last words on the Oscars for now, let's move on to something a hair more serious (but not fuckin' much).

I was really hoping that Rick Santorum would be the one to knock off Mitt Romney, but Rick found a way to show us just how really, REALLY crazy he is by the shit he was talking Sunday. OMG! Last time I mentioned how batshit he was on the whole education thing, wanting the whole of America to do something along the lines of an educational commune & leave the federal and state gov't out of everything - and I really do mean EVERYTHING - educational. But this next batshit idea has gotten outta hand (Ron Paul Revolution members and watchers, please, take note)...

The dumbshit actually believes that the separation of church and state is not fundamentally separate. That one should govern the other (this is the part where the Ron Paul Revolution should be loading their guns and getting the hanging ropes ready). THE CONSTITUTION makes them separate! PERIOD. There is no gray area. You can say and feel anyway you wanna about religion, contraception, education, abortion, etc. You can yell and scream all you wanna about Obamacare, Romneycare, the individual mandate, these are your RIGHTS to PEACEABLE disagree with that stuff as PROVIDED by the CONSTITUTION. But when you aim dead-center at the Bill of Rights & pick the separation of church and state. That's when you get laughed outta the room. You're off the reservation, you need mental help (though in Rick's case, may he always seek mental help, but never get it, he's too much damn fun to watch implode on Sundays).

Just because you're going up against a candidate that's about as conservative as Rick James sniffing coke out of a nun's cooter, doesn't mean ya have to ACTUALLY fall on your conservative sword and aim for something pre-Magna Carta! Didn't George H.W. Bush with the flag burning constitutional amendment shootdown teach you a lesson. He knew he went a bridge too far & didn't really bitch and moan about it when it didn't happen. Way to not pay attention, dickhead. 

{But please, beat Mitt Romney in Michigan, I wanna see a brokered convention so bad I can TASTE it!}

That's my time, folks, gonna go help a friend move this morning & then watch the Daytona 500 (weather-permitting) with my Twitterwifey Jen. Always.... FORWARD.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Pretty Damn Cool...For A Politician

First, as usual, you know I gotta yell "hey" across a quiet room. Lemme say hey to my girl Dawn. She's my newest, bestest buddy & a zombie killing machine. Can't wait to go on a few missions with her :)

Who's in trouble more, we'll let you decide. Romney, who is so unconvincing and milk toast, he's trying to find a way to eek out a victory in his own home state & the numbers, so far, aren't adding up to greatness. ORRRR... Rick Santorum, who wants to fight - and now has a platform for- his culture war in front of a national TV audience in tonight's 20th GOP debate in Arizona. Ricky, it was nice knowin ya! You can go ahead & grab any mic you wanna & start talking crazy shit all over the place, but you're gonna have seasoned, professional people asking you specific questions on your specific, hair-brained issues. Frankly, Jr., you just ain't got the grapes to handle it. By the way, genius, when your party says to you "Put the war down just for one night & stick to the economy", LISTEN. This could be your last chance to prove that your sane... that you don't hate minorities... that you're not a closet homosexual.

Rev. Franklin Graham, the President Of The United States is not going to hell for believing in pro choice issues! Don't be a dick. There is no way in the world that you could get 3 sane people to believe that you can go to hell for something you believe.  I believe that my new friend Dawn should be giving me a lap dance {sorry, baby, couldn't help it, the devil made me do it :)}  24/7 flanked by the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders. If I'm gonna go to hell for a belief like that, guess what... I'm gonna have lots of lots of company as I'm in hell, my black ass getting the tan of all tans.  All ya had to do, Rev., is say when you're asked the question is "I believe that the President is a Christian, but I don't agree on his view about abortion". You say it solidly, boldly & ya shut the damn door, next question. YOU DON'T sound like a pussy, give a half-ass answer & then have the nerve to timidly say "Well, one day, the President is gonna have to stand before his maker..." We're all gonna have to stand before our maker one day & Jesus is gonna run the highlight reel. And after he runs yours, Rev., he's gonna tell you two things: 1) You'll never be anything like the solid, God-fearing man your father was & 2) Genius really does skip a generation.

I get it. "Vote Obama out!" "Vote ALL THE BUMS out!". Yeah, that sounds like an election year to me. I know, I get it. Obama is a bad guy (so the rest of the world is telling me). But I'm gonna end this post quietly with a few things that I know:

     Gingrich: Blowhard, gasbag, doesn't know who he's gonna fuck next.

     Santorum: Closet homosexual culture warrior that hates minorities, homosexuals & women.

     Romney: couldn't inspire anyone to tie their shoes, let along run this country.

     Obama: Was singing at the White House with Buddy Guy, B.B. King & MICK FUCKIN JAGGER. Jesus Shit!!!


Monday, February 20, 2012

And now folks... Today's lesson? Civility

Lemme first get to all my shouts. All hail the new friends I made last holiday night, you guys are awesome. And lemme give some love to Becky in Iowa, Corona Ray got one chillin on ice for me, And my Twitter wifey Jen, whom all my good things flow. Love you.

Nothing made me more happier last night than to see two acts of the most nonviolent or nonviolent protests. First, the beautiful sight off all those women in front of the state capital in Virginia. What a sight. The silence was deafening & their message was heard. The vote for forcible transvaginal probing was delayed, Gov. McDonnell looks like a prehistoric boob & women can breath a small, minuscule sigh of relief. Don't get me wrong the fight is FARRRRR from over, but in this stupid-ass culture war, we'll just chalk this up to 1 in the W column for the good, girls.

And the silent protest at UC-Davis. That protest was so silent it scared. The chancellor & her driver walking out of the hall to find protesters by candlelight, silent, press about snapping pictures. The only people you heard speaking were from the press with microphones in her face. The chancellor looked really scared, as she ought to have looked after letting the campus police run roughshod all over those students with pepper spray for no good goddamn reason at all. It was such an eerie feeling, I could've sworn she was gonna get shot, stabbed or attacked in some way. It was just downright creepy. And for those that don't believe me when I say how creepy it was, just check that shit on YouTube. You'll turn cold.

Lemme, just interject something real quick. If you're a WOMAN... an actual woman, not a man talking about female reproduction rights and general health in THEORY... if you're a woman, I don't give a damn your stance on abortion. I'm talking about HPV, STDs, infections, disorders, and other basic female medical needs. YOU NEED TO BE ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THIS ISSUE. If you're against that kinda shit & you're a woman, you are a TRUE TRAITOR TO THE CAUSE (and this is coming from the DUDEST of dudes). You're against this? You're the chick that goes to the casino & bets on the house to win. You root for the guys in the black hats when you watch cowboy flicks. You're the chick that would stab herself in the back just to see what the sensation of pity would feel like. You're the woman walking down the street with that dopey look on your face as I & the rest of the world think to ourselves watching you "How the hell did she ever live to make it THIS long".

And to those people who just had to jump on me when I had a minor, though different point of view Sunday. Please, remember that the first thing about civil discourse is... CIVIL, JACKASSES!!! Calm the fuck down! Pop a Quaalude, go jerk off with a Slap Chop, do what ya gotta do. But for the love of all that may be holy, PIPE DOWN. I get it. Ron Paul REVOLUTION. Truth in politics, end of big money, end the fed, Constitution. I GET IT. I'm with you. I believe in your cause, but don't think you're just gonna yell me down in a bullshit politics argument on a Sunday morning. Gentleman, I will make you weep. Ladies, I shall come down with the force of God's mighty hand, you're ladies, you should act better them. Just... don't do it.

To the 178 people that haven't done it (my followers), I thank you. Twitter rocks. I'm loving it.

Laters, time to do something I shouldn't be doing - midget porn. FORWARD.

The Presidency

Just a little something to make you think on this President's Day. I would like to think them as observations & not a history lesson becausewe all know how most of us love our history teacher. Oy!!!! Nellie Taft was the woman who told her husband Bill "I think we would look just sultry in that big White House with all this land and all those servants doing whatever we want". And the rightfully trepidacious Bill said "Oh, alright, but I dont think this is such a bright fuckin idea". And this we have our 27th President William H. Taft and his First Lady... Ya see, that's the thing. Mrs. Bright Lights, Big City, Let's Go Power Crazy Nellie Taft DIED shortly after her husband took office! leaving her husband Bill holding the bag.

Fast forward to 2012... we see Mrs. Tiffany, AKA Callista Gingrich. Who happened upon this lonely, horny old man named Newt. Yes, that Newt, the conservative with the gay sister that looks more manly than he does. More baggage than LAX & O'Hare Airport combined, he was thrown out of the Speakership by his own party. Questionable political ethics and all, his EVERYDAY ethics is questioned when he leaves his dying wives (yes, WIVES, PLURAL) for Ms. Tiffany & her screw-on hairdo. A few blowjobs in the back of the car later, she whips out an idea that you & I both know he didn't come up with: "Baby, if I could just get in that big White House w/all those pretty trees & servants & $, I'll give you all the blowjobs you want!".

 What is the aftermath of all that bullshit I just threw at you? William H. Taft became Chief Justice of our Supreme Court, becoming the first former President to swear in another President. Newt? Well, we shall see. But we know this one thing to be true. Blowjobs, $, fame & killer salary aside, getting led by your privates is never a good thing. For male AND FEMALE.

 By the way, i just seen 7-time Olympiac gold medal winner Mark a testosterone commercial!! Ain't that a bitch.

 What this country needs is a Presidentthat uses his party affiliation as just a title. We need a President that'll beat the shit outta ya without starting a war. we need a hawk-minded dove that can win a Nobel Peace Prize. A President that wakes up every morning and looks at the middle class in America & uses it to gauge what he's gonna do with the rest of the country. WE NEED ANOTHER TEDDY ROOSEVELT! THAT'S the kind of Republican THIS bleeding heart dem will vote for evey time, anytime. FORWARD.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

And It Goes Like This...

I can't wait till Bob's Burgers comes back in Fox Sundays, that show is WHACK. H. Jon Benjamin is the voice of he aforementioned Bob, who is also the voice of Archer on FX, WHICH is also one of the funniest shows in the history of television (yes, it's true, kiss my ass ifya don't believe me).

Magical day of hockey. Glad to see the Blackhawks win one at home for change. They were beginning to scare me. I wanna see the Leafs win one so my girl McTitties doesn't go into depression. Hee sad makes me sad.

Shoutout to the Twitter wifey Jen. Love you, baby!!!

Here it is, sports fans. That grandiose pomposity you were hoping for from Newt Gingrich is, most likely, gonna happen at the AZ debate this Wednesday night. Santorum with his one-man culture war has been duking it out with 70s game show host Mitt Romney so hard the country is only paying attention to which mistake these two douches will make next. The only thing Gingrich got this February is a stiff-faced blowjob from Callista & a shitload of Chinese food. Meanwhile, his popularity is on life support. And what is the one thing a know-it-all windbag must do to show the world that he still means something to more than 3 people? CREATE A MENTAL IMPLOSION THE LIKES YOU'VE NEVER SEEN!!! Get your popcorn ready.

Survey says?! Romney's an asshole. Born in Michigan, the heart of American automotives (& if you don't want a Mustang, you're a goddamn liar), he says to the American automotive industry "Go fuck yourselves!!". Then the Americans become numero uno & he says "Yeah, that thing I said earlier... I'm kinda hoping you guys will forget I said that". He's been choking on his "Let GM Go Bankrupt" op-ed piece he wrote & he is now in danger of losing his daddy's home state!!! That man is a GENIUS.

I'm gonna get the hell outta here. Be sure to check out all sorts of other shit in my head later on. Watching the Simpsons 500th episode. FORWARD.